This may come as a shock to some (yeah, right) but I'm a hopeless romantic. I love when things work out like they should and often spend hours thinking of ways they could have when they don't. I know I seem more jaded than not, at least to those who know me today. It's more a protection against what happens most in my own life - I expect nothing so I am not disappointed. It doesn't always work, sometimes I am disappointed. Sometimes I want to cry at the pain and seeming unfairness. Then I have to step back and remember that most of the time the good stuff is for others, and for me to enjoy vicariously. I'm good at that.

I have a wonderful relationship that I find it hard to believe I deserve. I'm not the easiest person to love, I know. And it's harder now that I've reached the fear stage. As I've been told, and I know, I'm not unique in this. Nobody wants to hear about it. I know it's my issue to find a way through. I need time - to relax, to enjoy, to think, maybe even to cry with no one watching. Soon I'll get that time. I just have to hang in there for it. And not ruin my life in the process! And try to get the house good enough for the boy to move into.

There are several friends that I hope find a way to the romantic end. It's never easy, sometimes upsetting, but I do believe it's worth all the angst. Even if the end is not what you hoped - live the experience, have some fun and learn from everyone around you.